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Razorblade Death

[ Graveyard | My myspace page ]
[ In Memorium | About My Death ]
[ Head Stones | Gone and Forgotten ]

an Update [May. 12th, 2007|02:52 pm]
Razorblade Angel
[Here's My Grave |The insanity of my mind]
[How I Died |depresseddepressed]
[Hear My Death |Say It Right]

Well everyone, I have not been on because I have been going to the psych more times in the last few months than I thought I would and I have depression and borderline personality disorder. I have decided to use this journal as a place to write the rants in my head to get them out into the open.
link1 Obiturary|Mourn Me

Rainy Day Saturday [Dec. 16th, 2006|05:23 pm]
Razorblade Angel
[Here's My Grave |Wandering in the Rain]
[How I Died |tiredtired]
[Hear My Death |"Don't Fear the Reaper" by HIM]

Well it's the time of year when the rainy season comes. It makes me feel so morbid...I mean more so than usual. The type of weather that fits my mood perfectly. The kind of weather you can cry in and nobody would ever know you were doing it. I've been wanting to do that alot lately. Ever since I found out so many lies after 22 years of thinking they were truths. I hate it when people lie to me but it's worse when its your own family. I wish people didn't have to lie to me about things. It seems like my whole life has been a lie. That doesn't help my severe depression as of late either. I lay in bed at night wanting to cut myself open but I have to refrain from such acts due to a simple promise to the one person that has never lied to me. She's the only person that cares anymore. Thanks for reading, I needed to let that out for a while now.
linkMourn Me

Look At Me [Dec. 15th, 2006|03:45 pm]
Razorblade Angel
[Here's My Grave |Lost in Sadness]
[How I Died |melancholymelancholy]
[Hear My Death |"Out Truth" by Lacuna Coil]

I wrote this poem days after finding out that the man my mother told me was my father (whom I've only met a few times in my life mind you) may not be my father. My uncle and grandmother told me at a party last Saturday and this was what resulted out of it.

Look at me
my dark skin, eyes and hair
Look at my mother
blonde, green eyed and fair.
Look at my grandmother
with her skin of red undertones
Who am I?
I'm not sure anymore
Can you help me?
Mommy please look at me
I don't look like you
or the man you call my father
Why does it feel like you've lied?
My heart is breaking inside
Look at me
Why did I have to be so different
from everyone in so many ways?
I'm the social outcast
everyone tells me I'm like a plague
I'm broken and it shows
just look at me
I'm not what everyone
expects me to be
I can't be, I won't be
I die a little more each day
That I disappoint my heart
There's nothing left
Now that I'm dying inside
Look at me
It's too late
My gothic soul is crying
My heart is burning
Yearning for acceptance
Wanting forgiveness for a crime
I never committed
It's too much
I can't take it
Break me again
Beat me down
Yell and scream at me all you want
It doesn't hurt anymore
My body tells a tale
My heart is a map of pain lost
My mind is aching to be free
Look at me
I'm a disgrace
A disappiontment
The one never wanted
But given none the less
Trying to survive
In a world of Hate
Being tortured by the "in" crowd
While I defy them
To be who I am
Save me
I'm fighting a losing battle
I can't come home
It doesn't exist
Look at me
Screaming for a way out
Bleeding to get there
Sex, drugs and Alcohol
Look so good
Take advantage of me
Like you always do
It means nothing
It's like every other day
I'm not a Princess
In a fairy tale
I'm not Miss America
But I'm still beautiful
When will Princess Charming
Save Me
From myself
She can't
They won't let her through
Look at me
My black nails and make-up
My black clothes
Morbid aura
I'm just me
Nothing special
Or heaven sent
Just a girl on the outside
Looking in
Look at me
linkMourn Me

(no subject) [Nov. 13th, 2006|02:27 pm]
Razorblade Angel
[Here's My Grave |Consumed by Hatred]
[How I Died |melancholymelancholy]
[Hear My Death |Seasons of Love]

This is what I wrote when I got mad at the way my family was treating me one day. Hope you guys like it.

Child of Love, Woman of Hate

I was created and born
Raised in a family of love
What I never knew
Was that lvoe had abuse hidden in it's womb.
Now I'm a woman
I've grown up so much,
I see the world for what it is
And see that underlying abuse that I once thought was love.
It was love until they found out
Who I was inside,
They don't care-not anymore
I've not met their expectations.
I will never be what they wanted me to be
That child of love has withered and died,
All because their love turned to hate
All from the rage they feel towards me.
I'm so sorry I couldn't be
All that you ever wanted me to be,
But I'm not ashamed of who I am
I'm not regretful of who I love.
Do you see me now?
Am I all that you wanted?
Tell me now who am I
Who is this woman of hate?
I am that lost child of love
I am that newfound woman of hate,
I will never be what is expected of me
I can never go back to the world I once knew.
Take a look at me
Tell me what you think of me,
Will I meet your expectations now?
Or will I be left to burn in my life of loving sin?
Tell me now my dearest ones
Will you turn away from me?
Yeah I guess you will
Because the child of love has gone to make room for the woman of hate.

I'm dead to you now,
I'm broken inside,
How do you like me now?
linkMourn Me

(no subject) [Nov. 9th, 2006|01:02 pm]
Razorblade Angel
[Here's My Grave |Love's Sweet Arms]
[How I Died |lovedloved]
[Hear My Death |The Sacrament]

This is a poem that I wrote for the love of my life and for anyone else out there that can relate.

Whisper of Despair

I am a lesbian
Apparently that is a bad thing
There are whispers about me among my family
Despair as to what I have become
I was born this way
I can't help who I am
This is the person I was meant to be
Now they want to condemn for the way I was born to be
Yes I love another woman
No I do not deny it
Yes I do display my love and affection
No I do not consider myself to be a sinner
I am who I am
Nothing can change that
Can't you just love me for me
Is that too hard to ask?
You are ashamed of me
You are ashamed of the life I lead
What is so wrong with my love affair
What is so vulgar about me?
They will never see
Just how much she means to me
They despair over everything I love about my life
They whisper their disapproval behind my back when they think I don't hear
She is my world
She is the one that I love
I was born to love my own gender
If the Lord didn't create this I wouldn't be what I am
Do not pray for me
Do not pray for my sins
I do not believe I am sinning
I know who and what I am
All I want is to be loved
To be understood and accepted by the ones I once called my family
Is that so much to ask
To just be loved despite the fact I am a lesbian?

Yeah I guess it is
Since all you do is whisper your despair to one another.

You make me sick, they say
You make me want to disown you, their body language says
Then I have just one thing to say about your pitiful whispers of despair-

Why don't you do it then?

link2 Obituraries|Mourn Me

(no subject) [Nov. 7th, 2006|01:48 pm]
Razorblade Angel
[Here's My Grave |Lost in Love]
[How I Died |sleepysleepy]
[Hear My Death |Savin' Me]

This poem is for anyone out there that is made fun of because of who they love.

Pain of Difference

Being different
In a world where everyone is supposed to be the same,
Walking in the world of the normal
With a heart that beats for the not so normal.
My heart beats for one person
She is the same as me,
That is considered wrong
In our nice little society.
Because we are both the same gender
We are not meant to be,
Nobody can see past their own insecurities
To simply leave us alone with our love.
They beat us down and try to break us
But they will never see,
That despite all they do
We will always be meant to be.
Love is genderless
It always has been,
But now all of a sudden
It's considered to be a sin.
Let me live my sin
Let me be the one to be different,
Don't try to help me
Don't try to pray for my forsaken soul.
The pain of difference
Just because we are the same,
We are made to be laughing stocks
To be made examples of.
They just don't understand
They let their fear hold them to this,
We are the same as everyone else
But nobody seems to remember that.
It's a pain to be different
Just because people forget,
We are all the children of our higher power
We all are the same in Their eyes.
Let us live our sin
Without the pain of being hurt,
We are the same as everyone else in this universe
We just happen to bear the pain of difference.

linkMourn Me

Suicide! [May. 30th, 2006|11:52 pm]
Razorblade Angel
[Here's My Grave |The insanity of my mind]
[How I Died |depresseddepressed]
[Hear My Death |HIM]

The only thing that has ever made sense in my life is death. Being raised by a family that ultimately destroyed my youth and only brought me down the road of suffering and torment where I must whither away and die without ever being noticed by anyone other than the only one that I have ever loved. What is this world coming to?
link1 Obiturary|Mourn Me

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